Acts 5:27-32
Psalm 118:14-29
John 20:19-31
Homily by Fr R Christopher Heying
I think it is fair to say that most of us in the course of
our life have had and will have doubts and crises of faith.
At times a certain doctrine or a tightly held opinion may seem to unravel before critical examination or growing indifference. What we once were so dang clear about may grow blurry with shifting values and changing norms. Over a long, protracted period, a belief can fade until it disappears into the darkness.
At other times, a crisis of faith may come crashing through the door like a thief in a home invasion who robs us of things we have held so dear, not the valuables but the values, our sense of security, our trust, our good name and carefully guarded reputation, our carefully constructed self-definition. The peg that we have hung our life on can come loose and in a split second our equilibrium is lost.
Be it subtle and slow or definite and immediate, most of us will at some time be confronted with significant challenge to our belief structure.
Such was the case of course not only with Thomas but each of the twelve. Despite repeated teachings that he must suffer and die and then rise again, no one expected the resurrection. It was only through an encounter with the risen Lord, his bidding peace, his showing them his wounds, that they were able to rejoice at seeing the Lord.
That night, Thomas was off by himself somewhere. We aren’t told where and our speculation as to where and why will do nothing to change the fact that he himself missed this encounter with the risen Jesus, and, when he is told about it, he refuses to believe until he touches for himself the wounds of the Lord.
Thomas is not of a mind so much as to refuse to believe but rather to lay down honestly his conditions for belief. Only if X happens will I believe.
And of course we are told that a week later X does happen, even though when he is invited to touch the wounds and to thrust his hand into the side, Thomas doesn’t actually need to do what he thought he needed to do before he erupts into the highest declaration of faith found in the gospel: My Lord and my God!
Thomas doubted. They all doubted. But their doubts and conditions yield to their experience of and encounter with the risen Lord.
Doubt is not now nor has ever been the enemy of faith, however much we may struggle with it.
As I have told you, I grew up in The Episcopal Church. I loved every aspect of it, sometimes perhaps too much. I never felt the need to turn my back on the church, to renounce its beliefs, to walk away.
However, college brought growing intellectual doubt, fueled by the literature I read, the conversations I had. Oh yes, and by cognitive dissonance from a personal life that was not always all that “righteous” even if it seemed at the time rather fun.
As doubts grew, I found myself thinking that if I could just believe in God I would forthwith become a priest.
I was blessed to be surrounded by faithful Christians, many with such piercing intellect that I knew that belief and unbelief could not be simply a matter of who was smarter than whom but maybe more of temperament, of openness, of receptivity to a faith I longed to have.
My spiritual mentors did not provide me answers so much as give me support and encouragement to continue with my struggles.
I recall three things said that proved to be of abiding value:
- Doubt is not opposed to faith but a door to potentially deeper faith.
- The wrestling of doubt and faith is itself an engagement with God, a sign you care, a sign God cares.
- Stay close to a community of believers. When one person’s faith may seem weak, another’s is often strong. Our experience of doubt or sinfulness may tend to pull us away, but stay close. In so doing you will allow yourself to be in an environment conducive to faith.
In those latter years of college and the first year or so after, my struggle was not so much with the fine points of doctrine as it was with the central point, the existence of God. If I could just believe that, I could believe most anything was and is and will be possible.
Through a variety of somewhat mystical experiences, my faith did not so much “come back” as mature and deepen in the certitude and conviction that God is both real and really present.
With that renewal of belief, for me anyway, came a pedestrian, straight-forward and rather literal acceptance of creedal belief in the Father who created, in the Son who was born of a virgin and who lived, died, and was bodily resurrected, and the Spirit who sanctifies and gives life by drawing us more and more into communion with God and one another that begins now and lasts forever.
At times, challenging personal experiences have been the refiner’s fire that has brought over time increased clarity on this matter or that, a changing view about the importance of this or that. Faith is less like a light switch and more like water which can be a little bitty trickle or a raging, overflowing river and everything in between.
At times faith may seem to dry up altogether and require some hiking but experience tells me that it will come back again and that it is safe to say that it is better to navigate near the ship of holy mother church and within a group of faithful disciples who have seen the Lord and have had the breath of life blown anew into their noses and mouths.
Peace be with you. Fear not. Doubt is never the opposite of faith but can be a door to a richer, deeper, more saving faith that may require of us to let go of long-cherished ideas and religious trinkets so that we can lay hold of the risen Jesus, my Lord and my God.